The Weil Perspective
Give the Gift of Assessment to Your Aging Loved Ones
By James Weil, Managing Director – Successful Aging

The holiday season is approaching, which means that many of us will soon be visiting or staying with older relatives and friends whom we don’t get to see very often. These get-togethers are the perfect opportunity to assess our aging loved ones’ health and well-being—and whether they need assistance with their daily activities.

To help you further with your observations, here are some basic questions to ask yourself when you’re visiting your older family members and friends. Although you might not be able to answer all of these questions, be as thorough as possible.

	Is my loved one able to dress and undress without help?
	Able to drive safely and/or use public transportation without assistance?
	Shop for groceries and clothing without help?
	Prepare healthy, regular meals?
	Take a bath or shower without help?
	Get in and out of bed without help?
	Pay bills and manage finances without help?
	Walk, climb stairs, and get around the house easily?
	Keep his/her home clean?
	Remember to take medications without being prompted?

Answering “no” to any of these questions provides an early alert that your loved one might need living assistance now or in the near future. You (or another friend or relative, if necessary) should monitor the elder more closely. The level of care required depends on each situation. For instance, if your loved one is perfectly able to handle household chores but needs assistance with managing finances, hiring a bookkeeper or accountant might be the answer. But if he or she needs help with daily activities—bathing, dressing or eating—your loved one might benefit from the assistance of a home health aide or, in more extreme cases, moving to an assisted living facility.

If you feel that your loved one might or does require some form of assistance, you’ll need to have “the talk,” an open and honest discussion about accepting help. This can be a daunting prospect, especially if the situation involves personal issues or the possible loss of independence. Just be sure to express that you are not trying to invade your loved one’s privacy but that you’re interested in his/her well-being. In addition to communicating your own concerns, be willing to listen. Encourage your loved ones to tell you about their concerns, needs, and fears. And encourage them to be active participants in all decisions about their future.

The following tips can help you begin this dialogue and communicate openly and sensitively with your loved ones:

	Ask pointed questions that require specific answers. For example: “I noticed that you forgot where you put your keys. How often does this happen?” Or, “You’re supposed to take your blood pressure medication every day but I haven’t seen you take it for two days. How often do you take it?”
	Listen carefully and repeat back what you’ve heard. Ask if your understanding of what you’ve heard is correct. Avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions.
	Be patient. Allow time for your loved ones to formulate their thoughts and put them into words.
	Talk about your own feelings and be personal. Statements that begin with “I wish …” or “I’m worried …” can ease tension and let your loved ones know that you’re truly concerned about their well-being.
	If you find yourself arguing with a loved one, take a break and come back to the discussion later.
	Listen to the message beneath your loved ones’ words. Pay attention to body language and facial expressions and make sure you hear all of what is being said—or not said.
	Above all, respect your loved ones. Remember that you are not “parenting” them. You are working with them to devise the best possible caregiving plan.

One final important point: before you talk with your loved one about your concerns, you might consider talking to a LifeCare specialist and/or another professional about your feelings and observations. They can confirm or relieve your concerns and help you prepare for the most productive dialogue with your loved one. In addition, professionals can help you create a list of care options, if necessary, which you can then discuss and refine with other family members. Remember, you’re starting a process—one that often takes time. Be patient but be firm.

While it might not seem like an easy task—especially at the holidays—assessing an aging loved one’s well-being is, quite possibly, one of the greatest gifts you can give.

James Weil will be speaking at a number of regional forums across the country in 2003 about the aging workforce and issues of adult caregiving. If you would like to know when he will be in your area, or wish to have him speak at your organization, please call 800-873-4636.